Make your own mistakes.

In light of recent events, and going ons in my life. This is something by William Penn.

They that love beyond the world, cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill, what never dies

Nor can Spirits ever be divided that love and live in the

Same Divine principle; the root and record of their Friendship.

If absence be not Death, neither is theirs.

Death is but crossing the World; as Friends do the Seas;

They live in one another still.

For they must needs be present, that love and live

in that which is Omnipresent.

In this divine glass, they see Face to Face; and their

Converse is Free, as well as Pure.

This is the Comfort of Friends, that though they may

be said to Die, yet their Friendship and Society

are, in the best sense, ever present,

because Immortal.

i typed out an entire post, but i was so overwhelmed by emotions, i deleted everything. i need to speak to someone who won’t tell me that i’m still so young, that i’m only 19.

what is this obsession with labels? can’t one be free to love and just love? can’t one not fall into stereotype? is it really not possible to…just love?

Firstly, friendship is earned and cultivated. There is no way something from my past is going to affect our friendship. Now we got that out of the way…

I’ve been reminded of something stupid I did in the past. Surprisingly, I’m not angry, nor am I ashamed of my past. One thing’s for sure, that’s not something I’m proud of. You know when you’re young, anything goes. That’s how you learn what’s wrong, and what’s right. That’s when you build your morals, principles and develop your character.

I’ve been thinking about it lately, I don’t regret loving, and losing. Eventually, as I grow, I realized how much people I associate myself with impact me. I’m so much more patient than I was before. I’ve gotten a grip on my temper. I’ve learn to tolerate kids, thats very subjective still, but really, I get along with children better now. And hey, you’d never guess who taught me how to bake those awesome cheesecakes you’ve had the privilege to sample.

Then I think, and try to recall the pain of a heartbreak. I don’t miss it at all. It’s been a long time, but i think I remember that psychotic lurch in your stomach, that sinking feeling, the rush of emotions caving into your world, and the fact that you’ve lost something special sinks into your guts. Slowly you feel some sort of pain inflicted unto your heart, but surely spreading throughout your body, numbing your mind. Gyeah, I don’t miss it all that much…

Thanks Alvin, for reminding me that life is an entire process. Now that I think back, it definitely wasn’t as bad as it seems at that point of time. I’m alive, and kicking. And I’m doing great. Thanks Maddy, for telling me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Thank you Julie for never leaving my side, even though we barely meet twice a month. Thanks friends, for sticking with me.

I know I’ve been particularly fragile the past few years. I don’t admit it, maybe I have, but I don’t think I’ve ever shared the extent of the damage. I feel fine now. Surprisingly light. I don’t know if this is a phase, but I know I will never forgive what I cannot forget. Having said that, I’m not swollen, nor am I beaten up, nor am bitter about the past.

Maybe this is a part of growing up, maybe some pieces are meant to remain shattered. Maybe they’re better off that way. Maybe I’m better off this way. All I know for sure, is that life is a journey, and it never stops.

You know, I think its true that your life is shaped by the company you keep. My life is shaped by the people I choose to associate myself with, by people who walked through my life, by friends who come, and go. Sometimes, these random people you meet make a huge impact on your life. As for me, I’ve got a list. I don’t forget the people who matter, the people who crushed me, the people who lifted me up, and those who inspire me. 

Its time for us, collectively to grow up. I know you feel it too. You feel the aches, the fatigue, the intolerance to noise, and the need for those around you to feel the same way. You and I, we promised never to grow up, I’m sorry, I can’t live that fairytale anymore. Neither can you, we grew up.

And things come to pass, don’t they… Everything that has a beginning, really has an ending. It’s that simple, I can’t remember what movie that liner was from…

And life, they say, have got a strange way of making your dreams come true. I truly believe, if you want something hard enough, the world will conspire with you. The good, and the bad, will eventually come to pass. Even after you’ve reached a destination, life is an entire process isn’t it? there’s really no stopping. I figured, life isn’t like boarding a plane, whereby the destination is the only thing that matters. The Journey. That great journey in which we embark in, the quiver of our spine, the jolt in our guts, the uncertainty in our steps. It will account for something once we’ve reached a destination, wouldn’t it? 

This happens to be a happy day. In stormy weather, my outlook isn’t sunshine and optimism. I guess, like a weighing scale, there’s got to be a balance, a sense of equilibrium to keep us at bay. The chance for our head to know our heart and for our heart to know our head. 

It’s true I guess, you can’t tell that something is broken, just by standing next to it.

There’s no point to this conversation/post. I’ve warned you, I’m not expecting a miracle to crop up.

When we were 16, the meaning of growing old and growing up seems entwined. Fast forward barely 3 years later, growing old, really is a part of growing up. I’m not trying to be poetic, quite the contrary, I’m a mess. The past month, which intensified just last week, is killing me. Figuratively of course, maybe slowly but surely it’ll turn literal, I’m not sure just yet. I’m not going to explain why my life is so fucked up, cuz I don’t even have the courage to face my fears. Listening to some of these stories, from the people close to me, or ordinary people who happen to be a part of my life… I’m speechless. I know I’m not the worst off, but reality is a bitch, and sometimes we’re forced to grow up pre-maturely.

Here and back again, we sat down, 6 months of not seeing each other, and damn are our lives screwed. I hope the present is not an indication of how the future will turn out to be. We’re at the bottom, there’s nothing to lose, but everything to gain, and the only place to go, is up. We’ve had this talk, I know, we said we’ll make it big, we said we’ll go places, we said all that shit and look where we are now. Covered if muck. Oh Fuck. I’m a poet i know.

Do you know that comedians are some of the most depressed people in the world? have you recalled spending time with me and not laughing at all?

I wish there was someone I could look up to, to be my role model. I’m sorry, but people disappoint. The only thing that keeps me going really is, the thought of ending up a failure, like you. Fucking hell, I’m not supposed to be worrying about these kind of things, what happened to “your parents are supposed to take care of all these, while you just concentrate on your studies”. Fuck That. I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to be 60, hapless and hopeless. I don’t know what I expect from this, I really don’t. I’m scared shitless that I’ll end up a failure, a failure to launch.

Paulo Coelho said, that if you really want something, with all your heart, the universe will conspire with you to make it happen. What I really want, is out. I want out.

I’m working my ass off. Of course in our society, I’m not working merely half as hard as I should be. Its a cold industry, they work you to the bone. And even still, I’m getting nowhere. I can’t just pack up my suitcase and head off for London or New York and hope to make it big. FUCKING HELL I’m fucking stuck in fucking stinkapore.

And yes. Hedonism. You wonder now why I indulge in things your mum would consider hedonistic, I wouldn’t have understood why I did the things that I did, if I were younger. I’m older now, none the wiser, but still, a slightly more matured version of the pouchy cabbage patch kid.

Don’t think i don’t appreciate my friends, I do. It’s just that, at one point of your life. You’ll have to stand on your own feet. No one is going to be there for you forever..that’s bullshit. I don’t believe in forevers anymore. That’s a fairytale that shouldn’t have seen the light of day, fuck the Brothers Grimm for that.

I will. Be Strong. I will. Carry On With Life. I will. Get back To Work Now 😦

I don’t update this space except for when I’m upset or depressed or really angry I realized. And onlookers might or rather… will definitely get a wrong impression of me. 

But I don’t care. I don’t know how to approve comments. SO HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT REALIZED… I’VE USED THIS SPACE FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW.. AND NONE OF MY POSTS HAVE COMMENTS ON IT!!! 

I’ve got so many comments. Most of them sweet, some bitter. Just like life, my blog is filled with so much bittersweet memories. I can’t bear to peep through the looking glass. Seriously. I can’t. What I can do, despite writing so much emotional things here it might give you the impression that I’m about to commit suicide, is to stay positive. 

Before I die, or should I die early.. Log into this account, and read some of the things the people say about this space. It might remind you why I died, and even so, that I have such good friends in the midst of my absence.

I love how you exclude me from your thoughts, when I’ve always included you in mind. I love how everyone chucks me aside once they find something new to play with. I love how everyone plays me like a toy, an actual one you can buy from Fisher-Price. I love how I’m always the second option in everyone’s thoughts. I love how everyone is so fickle, just like the media industry. I love how people only love others who hurt them and bring them pain, instead of the one who cares, and makes an effort to put a smile on everyone’s faces. I love how I don’t see anyone I love from Mondays to Fridays because they’re all busy with their own lives. I love the fact that my job is the only thing I’m dating right now. I love how another person could be thinking the exact same thing as me, about me. 

Because I guess, this is life, and things never go your way. I’m sure if I look at things in another light, my life would be brilliant compared to someone else’s. Right now, the limelight I’m getting, is obviously making some people jealous. I feel lost and alone most of the times, but I guess, you live your life for yourself and no one else. 

I love how everyone is getting attached. I’m happy for you, sincerely, but why do you have to forget the times we spent together when you were at your lowest, and when everything seemed to be going downhill. It’s awesome to feel like I’m only a substitute or the next best thing. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel like a human doormat with a welcome sign. That’s brilliant.

I love how no one will bother reading anything I’ve written here cuz they’ve obviously forgotten this place. No, they’re probably out having the BEST FUCKING DAYS OF THEIR LIVES.

Its thoughts like these that catch my troubled head when you’re away, when i’m missing you to death. But everything looks perfect from such great heights.

You know, after doing internship for 3 months, I wonder how I’m going to survive, when I actually go out to work. I miss the times we’d randomly go to east coast, west coast, henderson waves, and just chill. Or because we have to film some project. Head to cluny/adam’s/island’s/gastronomia for reminiscing/bitching/catching-up sessions. Or to Holland/sunset way cuz I am craving for coffee, or we just want to slack, or play L4D or cuz I’m whining for daily scoop. All the crazy screaming and insanely funny jokes we come up with. The midnight rides, to hunt for supper. Talking about how we’d never make it in life and we’d end up working in the Makan Place. How our imagination run so wild we think of the craziest things and put ourselves in the awkwardest situations. 

And of course Im just thinking of all the good things, the things that would make me miss Ngee Ann Mass Comm. SPECIFICALLY, our friends. 

Somehow, we mange to find joy in chiong-ing for 7 days in a row with minimal sleep. Getting a wake-up call at the last minute, cuz we’ve been enjoying ourselves all these while. Writing a PR brief by myself, screaming at Marissa and vice versa, countless vulgarities in between heated project discussions. Re-doing a freaking website in 5 days. Dreaming up an advertising campaign, staying back in the radio studio for years after class is over. Running to Bukit Timah Plaza and back, under the hot sun, when submission is in 30 minutes. 

For the past 2 years, life has been a roller coaster ride. The twist and turns are nothing Resorts World can ever dream of. In less than a year, we’d all graduate and saying goodbye, will not mean only til tomorrow.

SO FUCKERS. WHEN WE GET BACK TO SCHOOL AH. DONT WHINE AND HOPE WE’D GRADUATE SOONER OKAY.

Maybe sometimes when life is bleak and discoloured, you need to look into yourself. Maybe when life has lost its magic and wonder, you need to create some for yourself. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll discover something amazing. But it’s not in search of money, or love, or anything at all. Maybe you just have to look into yourself, and believe in yourself. Maybe it’s some crazy phrase like ’supercalifragilisticexpiellidocious’ or it could be something so simple like ‘He died’ that sets your alarm buzzing. I grew up in such a beautifully dysfunctional family, I grew up believing in faeries and dinosaurs andmagic! It gets so hard sometimes growing up trying to grow up. I don’t know what’s the main point, I kind of get the gist of it, life is too beautiful and important to be taken too seriously.

I came across something I wrote about 1 and a half years ago. I was just thinking. You know how, there are times when you think you won’t make it through the storm? And then you do just that. Looking back. There are so many things I’ve accomplished that seems almost impossible, and not they’re just like a dream. One day I might be able to look back, and smile. I’d think too myself, “that a boy, you shouldn’t have doubted yourself too much”. Everyday, people say things that bring me down. Bit by bit, putting thoughts into my head that what I want to achieve in life is near impossible and I’ll never get there. There’s only one thing I can think of to say whenever I hear something like that. Fuck You. It is truly a magical phrase.

When I was younger, I’d think to myself; maybe one day, someone will come and take me away from this dump. Maybe I’m born to someone else, in a different place. Maybe my real parents are really beautiful people and the life I’ve been lead to believe is true, is all a lie. Like you know, in the movies. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s not going to be some fairy or a monster chasing after me to excite my life further. 

Sometimes it gets so hard to just breathe in this place. Like the iron and city fumes are slowly corroding my insides. Sometimes chasing paper, cuts. Sometimes, being alone even while you’re surrounded by people, gets you down. Sometimes, like tonight, I’d take a long bus ride home, stare at the street lamps and in my mind, imagine that they’re creating something really beautiful. I’d look at the blurred lines, and tilt my head a little so that it creates an imagery to satisfy my need for escapism. Then teardrops form, and fall like rain. That is something I’ll have to live with.

You’ve got to stay strong boy. No one’s going to get you out of this dump. If you crumble now, you can’t count on anyone to piece you up together again. I don’t usually say this, but especially tonight, I wish there was someone who’d hug me to sleep.

Not tonight. Tonight I’ll spread my wings and take flight into the night.